Welcome to Holy City Review
Parker’s Kitchen
Date of Visit 12/4/2025
Parker’s Burger Adventure
I had the day off, nothing to do, and was slowly morphing into a couch fossil. Luckily, there’s a Parker’s gas station just a short stroll away, so I embarked on a noble quest: to judge their bathroom. Mission accomplished, I wandered toward the food counter—because what’s a hero without a snack? That’s when I spotted the Cheeseburger… and destiny called.
APPEARANCE – 2 pts
Wrapped in cellophane and looking like it lost a small wrestling match, this burger wasn’t winning any beauty pageants. But hey—it’s from a gas station, not a Michelin chef.
BUN – 5 pts
A little squished, a lot ordinary. Classic white bun, doing its job without complaint. Soft, simple, and delivering flavor in every bite.
CHEESE – 14 pts
The real MVP. Thick. Melted. Glorious. Each bite brought a wave of cheesy goodness that transported me straight to flavor heaven.
MEAT – 18 pts
Plot twist: it didn’t taste like cardboard! The patty actually had solid flavor. It was cooked well-done and kept warm under a heat lamp, leaving it a bit dry—classic gas station charm—but definitely recognizable as real meat.
VEGGIES – 5 pts
No veggies. None. Zero. This was a minimalist masterpiece: meat, cheese, and bun. Awarded the default score for sheer absence.
DRESSING – 3 pts
One lonely packet of ketchup. A single dab. That’s all the dressing this burger knew in its short life.
MESSINESS – 2 pts
Not messy at all—mostly because dryness doesn’t drip. I used one napkin just so I didn’t look like a savage.
BURGERNESS – 8 pts
The meat+cheese combo carried the whole production. You bit into this thing and your brain went, “Yep, that’s a burger.”
Total: 57 Patty Points
This cheeseburger radiated High School cafeteria nostalgia. Not gourmet, not terrible—just a dependable, quick bite that takes you back in time and fills the void until you get somewhere better. Perfect for a pit stop, a memory lane moment, or when boredom strikes hard.
